The Dark Lord Rants
by snarryislife
Summary: And Rants
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything else.

**The Dark Lord Rants**

**An Exclusive Interview with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named**

**Brought to You by yours truly, snarryislife.**

Hello, dear readers. I am Snarryislife, and today, I bring to you news from inside a place where none have willingly ventured before and come out unscathed. The Lair of The Dark Lord.

Our interview began with normal questioning, "Hi, I'm Snarryislife, how are you doing." Those kinds of questions. And then our real discussion began.

Snarryislife: So, Mr. Dark Lord, I have been listening to many of the younger generation discuss their choice of literature. What are you opinions on 'Twilight'?

The Dark Lord: I think it is complete shit. Complete and utter shit. A rip-off of ourselves. And have you ever met a Vampire that doesn't drink human blood? It defeats the mythic description of a vampire! And the fucking _sparkle_. Who the _hell_ sparkles! And at least our pedophiles look like pedophiles! Who wants to watch a person sleep! It's creepy! And Bella, at least my Bella can fight her way out of a situation! Their Bella can't even fight her way out of a paper bag! At least when the ginger left the mudblood in Potter's little group, she still kept going, and, she managed to save Potter from me! Bella did dangerous stuff just to hear the boys voice! And didn't I already kill him. If I had know he was going to turn into a sparkling fairy princess, I would have just crucioed him and then let him go! And the Blacks. Two men who think they know everything. Our family of Blacks are interrelated group of Pure-bloods who suffer incest, different sides of the war, disinheritance, and abuse! And Sirius Black is a Black, who turns into a Canine! Stephany Myer is a rip-off artist wannabe! She can't even rip-off stuff correctly! Its a waste of our children's lives! We need to band together to make sure no child, magical or muggle, are forced to suffer through this waste of words! I hereby surrender to the Light side on the premises that we put a stop to this waste of existence!

Snarryislife: Oh, okay. Do you mind if I quote you on this?

The Dark Lord: Go ahead. Tea?

Snarryislife: Please.

So there you have it readers. 'Twilight' is our newest enemy. The enemy of the world, and will shall band together to destroy it! And this concludes the first installment of **The Dark Lord Rants**. Take THAT, Rita!

Harry laid the Daily Prophet back down on the table. Harry sighed, ignoring the surprise at this morning's front page. Life sucked. Since the Dark Lord was now on their side, now he really had to study for O.W.L.S.

_The End._

This is pure crack. I might do a sequel, have the Dark Lord rant about bunnies or something, if I get enough review requesting it.


	2. Chapter 2

_**THE DAILY PROPHET**_

_**THE DARK LORD RANTS**_

_**AN EXCLUSIVE ONE-ON-ONE WITH HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED, BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR AWE-INSPIRING REPORTER, SNARRYISLIFE.**_

_Hello once more! It is I, Snarryislife, bringing to you the second installment of The Dark Lord Rants! I was having tea, once more, discussing the weather. _

"_Dreary." responded the Dark Lord, "It makes me ill watching all the beautiful sunshine disappear. It makes the world seem so, so, dead. But I do oh-so love thunder storms and rain, just not foggy and drizzly days. Its no fun to torture someone when they got pneumonia from wanna-be rain! And you know what else is wanna-be? Justin Beaver!"_

_I was so tempted to correct him, but I valued my life more than a pop-star's name._

"_Like Baby, Baby, Baby, oooo! What the hell is that? I'll tell you what it is. It's a guy in bed who can't get anything done! It's so disturbing! Almost as disturbing as the talent show back in my Hogwarts days when Dumbledore dressed up in a Tu-Tu to preform Swan Lake! I still have nightmares! Do you know what else gave me nightmares, catching Severus, Lucius, and the Potter boy last week. In the closet. Together. Doing the naughty naughty."_

_I was also tempted to say that he was old enough to call it sex, but refrained due to health hazards._

"_And bunnies! There so cute and fluffy and adorable, but what do they do when you want to pet them? They friggin bite you!"_

_It was then I realized that it was time for me to go, so, I apologized profusely, told the Dark Lord that I would be back same time next week, and left._

Harry looked from the paper, to the staff table, and back to the paper. He saw Severus' face drain of color. That was not how he had wanted the world to find out what he did with his lovers. But on to more important matters.

Harry was going to be in so much trouble with Mrs. Weasley when she found out.

A/N: Hello! Again! How does every body like it so far? Thank you to every one who review, favorited, or alerted! Keep it up!

BTW: Standard Disclaimer Applies.


	3. Chapter 3

_**The Daily Prophet**_

_**The Dark Lord Rants  
><strong>Snarryislife and Sariuspurple_

_Hello once more, dearest readers! I have a great author joining me today, Sariuspurple. We have once more, journeyed into the great abyss of The Dark Lord's lair. Once more we were gathered for tea, Sariuspurple and I, Snarryislife, began discussing fashion with Lord Voldemort, who by this time has allowed us to call him by his name,_

_Sariuspurple: My Lord, recently, in the fashion world, an icon has appeared, by the name Lady Gaga. Would you care to explain your views on her stature?_

_Lord Voldemort: Oh man, she just dresses extremely crazy. I don't know whether to call it clown-like, well, she's not a clown, I wouldn't call her clown like, she just dresses so weird. I mean she looks normal sometimes, other times she looks like a parrot threw up on her. It's like she wakes up in the morning and decides that "I'm going to wear this pink spandex, this purple pair of underwear, die half my hair pink, the other lime-green." Are you quoting me on this?_

_Snarryislife: Yes, sir, we are._

_Lord Voldemort: Oh, okay. I do wonder though, what was up with that meat dress. Did she just go out and slaughter innocent kittens to wear to an awards thingy. It makes you wonder if the erections that some of the men out in the audience were because of her, or they were hungry. It is nice to know that you can hear one of your favorite artists and get something to eat at the same time. But then again, she could have been trying to feed every hungry dog in the tri-city area. She could be a humanitarian, or just, weird. Or a bitch. Oh and also, that young people fashion, with the pants down to their ankles. What is with that. Its getting to the point today that if a kid bends over to pick up a quarter you can tell if he has hemorrhoids. You know where that started! Homosexuals in prison. I also worry about what they would do if their trying to run away from vicious bunnies. Getting bitten by a vicious bunny puts a new spin on taking it up the arse. I know it does prove one thing though; The weirder you dress the better odds you have of doing the naughty-naughty with somebody hot. This a lesson to all of us: Dress badly as possible, only when you shock the masses, will you gain the attention of that special someone._

_Sariuspurple: That is all the time we have today, my lord. Because I taxes to take care of, and Snarryislife, needs to check on her dog, Cat._

_See you next time readers!_

Harry sighed. He put the paper down. Yes, taxes and meat dresses were horrible.

Disclaimer: Own nothing, Sariuspurple (Steven Hopper, not a member of ), thank you for the rant! Not meant to offend.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Daily Prophet**

**The Dark Lord Rants**

Hello, my dearest readers, It is I, Snarryislife, back once more from my trip into Lord Voldemort's lair.

Well, we actually met at a local McDonald's, but, we'll get to that.

Snarryislife: "Hello, once again, my lord. If it is not to prudent, could you tell me why we are at McDonalds?"

LV: "SHH! CAN YOU NOT SEE I AM MAKING A FACE WITH MY KETCHUP!"

At this moment, I looked down at the napkin he had stolen while we waited in line to order our food, along with ketchup packets, and, yes, the dark lord was squeezing ketchup into a face on the napkin.

Snarryislife: I apologize my lord.

And so we wait, and wait, and wait.

and wait some more.

Now, what is taking so long you may ask?

The old lady with the 5-year-old infront of us who can't make up his mind wheather or not he wants chiken nuggets or a cheeseburger.

LV: "How much longer. I hungy."

Remember when the Dark Lord screwed up Justin Beiber's name,

well, this lack of corection is for the same reason.

And, I really didn't know dark lords could whine. But they can.

LV: "Can we go? Bella said we were going to torture innocent butterflies today. I like Bella. But I don't like butterflies. They remind me of rainbows, which reminds me of rain, which reminds me of hogwarts, which reminds me of Slytherin, which reminds me of Draco, who reminds me of Lucius, who makes me remember when I caught him, Severus, and the Potter kid doing the naughty-naughty in the closet. Which reminds me of bunnies, and I don't like bunnies, because they bite. So I don't like butterflies."

...I suddenly wished I never took on this job.

Well, until I saw my savior. The cashier lady.

Snarryislife: "1 mocha latte, double bacon cheeseburger, add onions, a medium fry, and a fruit cup."

LV: "EWWW! How can you like a mocha late, they're soo, mocha-ey and latte-ey. Its like Severus' love of coffee in the morning! EWWW!"

Do you know how bad I wanted to punch him right there? First, my boyfriend breaks up with me at 8am, then my boss calls at 8:30am demanding I come into work early, I've ruined 3 shirts, two pairs of shoes, and 8 pants, and its only noon, and now I have to listen to a supposed dark lord whine?

Snarryislife: "My lord, what would you like to eat?"

LV: "Well, I want a burger, but no pickles, no sauce, and not meat. I want fries with no potatoe in them, and I want a large ice cream cone with sprinkles, without the milk."

The cashier and eye had the same, are-you-a-douche looks.

LV: "Oh, and a diet water. Did you know diet water is good for pregnant people. Like Potter is pregnant. With Lucius'

and Severus' child. But the naughty naughty is bad, so don't ever do it."

Damn, fuck my life.

* * *

><p>Harry Potter giggle, one hand resting lightly on his slightly swollen abdomen. It wasn't exactly the way he wanted the world to know he and his lovers were having a child, but, he had to remember to make sure Lucius got Snarryislife a raise.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I had an experience kind of like this a few months ago at Mcdonals. It was hilarious to listen to the guy ordering. Sorry its short.**

**Reveiw, and leave your house, and you can help your house in winning the race to the house cup,**

**check out the race on my profile page!**


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